Walking Into Fear With All The Feels

I got into San Francisco yesterday evening. It’s funny, as I was waiting for my Uber at SFO I smelled SF. Yes, I didn’t realize until this moment that SF/Bay Area had a distinct smell. Doesn’t sound too weird to me though because that’s how I feel every time I land at ICN too 🙂

Upon getting to the hotel and settling in, while it was late I wasn’t ready to go to sleep just yet. As I was sitting in bed pondering whether I should read or try to sleep suddenly I got hit with this incredibly hard feeling that I needed to cry. Out of nowhere this feeling left me feeling bewildered. Where is this coming from?

A quick mental calculation later I realized it would be the time of the month soon, but still… was there anything else going on?

I waited. I listened. I sat. I laid. Nothing happened. I’ve always been a hard crier, meaning the tears just wouldn’t flow without a good reason, so I let it be and turned down for bed.

The evening was long. And I mean loooooooong. The heater in the room made a loud clanky noise every time it turned on/off, plus, it wasn’t my bed. At around 4am I finally fell into a deep sleep and suddenly found myself lucid dreaming. Towards the end of this dream like state I realized the tears that were flowing from my face were actually streaming down my face IRL! I decided to wake up the moment my hands came up to wipe my tears away.

Was I surprised? Not really. A little? Yes.

I wasn’t surprised that the tears had finally come out, but what I was surprised about was the fact that it came out from a dream and that I felt deep emotions in this dream. I am by no means a dream interpreter but I had heard once that you can find meaning behind your dreams by getting a feel for what emotions came up.

So what did I feel in this dream? Oppression, hurt, sadness, nonacceptance, anger.

Without going into the why, because there could be a million reasons why (i.e., somatics, energy, the phase of the moon, a woman’s cycle, etc.), what I do know is that I began to sit with the emotions.

In my waking state I took time to be in silence, to just breathe, and to be in awareness.

My key takeaway is this:

  • It happened
  • Listen to what you feel
  • Feel it
  • Will I personalize it?
  • Or will I walk into the feeling, be with it, and practice self love?

You see there’s a million ways of going about it but it all comes down to bringing light to dark. What will you do and where will you take it? Can you let it go after you’ve had enough time to process?

So here’s to all the feels and the moments following the feels to be with them in self love, acceptance, and surrender.

Much love.

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